For overthinkers who've tried everything

The 2am replay of a conversation. The decision you can't land. The shower at 7 when the answer feels obvious, and the 3 problems you've found with it by the time you're dressed. The exhaustion at the end of a day where you got nothing material done about the thing, but feel like you ran a marathon thinking about it.

You've tried the standard advice. Pros and cons. Sleeping on it. Trusting your gut. Talking it through. Some of it works for an hour, then you're back.

Here's what took me a while to understand.

More analysis won't get you out. A different kind of analysis might.

There are 2 ways to think about a problem. One is abstract. Causes, meanings, patterns, consequences. "Why does this keep happening." "What does this say about me." "What if I'm just not the kind of person who gets this right."

The other is concrete. Specific situation, specific people, specific next action. "On Thursday at 9am I'm going to send this exact sentence to this exact person."

Overthinkers live in the abstract. We're good at it. We can hold 10 variables in our head and reason about second-order effects. It feels productive. After an hour of it, you usually haven't moved.

There's about 30 years of research on this, mostly from Susan Nolen-Hoeksema at Yale and Edward Watkins at Exeter. The finding is consistent. Concrete thinking helps. Abstract thinking maintains the loop.

So one thing to try, when you catch yourself spinning, is to swap the abstract question for a concrete one.

Not "should I take the job," but "what would I need to ask in the next conversation to know."

Not "is this relationship working," but "what's one conversation we haven't had that I could have on Sunday."

Not "should I have said that," but "if I were going to say one thing about it tomorrow, what would the sentence be."

Abstract questions tend to spin. Concrete questions tend to resolve.

There's a second thing worth trying. It's stranger and easier.

When you're in the loop, instead of asking "what should I do," try asking "what should [your name] do."

Use your own name. In your head is fine.

This sounds ridiculous. It's also one of the better-studied techniques in psychology for breaking rumination. The researcher Ethan Kross at Michigan has shown, with brain imaging, that when you refer to yourself by name instead of "I," the parts of your brain that ruminate get less active. The technical term is self-distancing.

What it feels like is that you become slightly less stuck in your own perspective. You can give yourself the kind of practical advice you'd give a friend, because you're, in some odd way, talking to one.

"Sarah, what's actually going on here."

"Sarah, what would you tell someone else in this position."

"Sarah, what's the smallest thing you could do tomorrow that would make this more solvable."

I felt silly the first few times. It still works.

Two things, then. When you're stuck, swap the abstract question for a concrete one. And ask the question to yourself by name.

Try them on the next loop. You don't need to believe they'll work. Just notice what happens.